Satire

Getting a raise is is not as mysterious or impossible as many people make it out to be. But it does require a strategy.

You cannot just go into your boss’s office and wing it.  It’s hard to know how to handle oneself when asking for a raise in a traditional 9-5 work environment, especially when you are a terrible employee who routinely makes large mistakes that others have to fix for you. Here is how to ask for a raise when you clearly aren’t worth it:

Before asking for a raise, always begin by evaluating your own performance. You want to determine the number that represents exactly how much you are worth to the company, even if this number is substantially lower than what you are already being paid. Remember, confidence is key. When you walk into your boss’s office, walk with confidence. When you ask for money that you have in no way earned or even remotely deserve, ask with confidence. Believe in yourself.

The biggest obstacle when asking for a raise that you are sincerely under qualified for will be your boss. Here are some things you should mention to your boss to convince him you are worth it:

• “I DON’T MESS UP AS MUCH AS PEOPLE SAY I DO, AND WHEN I DO MESS UP ONLY SOMETIMES DOES IT THREATEN THE EXISTENCE OF THE COMPANY”

-Dispel rumors that you are a living, breathing, train wreck of an employee by letting your boss know that people have overblown your worthlessness and even if they haven’t, only several times has a mistake you made stalled the entire company’s ability to do business.

• “I AM JUST AS QUALIFIED TO GET THIS RAISE AS MORE QUALIFIED PEOPLE”

-How does your boss decide who is worth paying more? By figuring out who is the most qualified for the raise, which means it is important to let your boss know you are worth just as much to the company as all the people who are worth significantly more to the company.

• OFFER A COMPLIMENT AND THEN SIT IN SILENCE UNTIL IT IS RETURNED

-Say “You’re the one who deserves a raise” and then refuse to speak until your boss says says this back to you.

• 

  THREATEN TO FIRE YOUR BOSS UNLESS HE GIVES YOU A RAISE

-You don’t have the power to fire him, but he doesn’t know that. Doing this gives you the upper hand because now your boss is answering to you and he will do as you wish.

• BRING SNACKS

– You do not deserve a raise, and it will thus take quite a long time to convince your boss that you do deserve a raise. Bring snacks.

Finally, keep in mind that asking for a raise is not some sort of crazy negotiation between separate parties. Don’t sit across from one another as adversaries. Sit next to each other as two people, one boss and one criminally negligent employee. In the end, you’ll be happy you did.

Crazy Coworkers.

This has been the best summer of my life. I live in the greatest place on earth (New York City) with the coolest job ever (I work at a comedy club) and I am actually making good money! To top it all off I even like all of my coworkers, with two obvious exceptions.

On my first day the whole office joked around a lot, which is why I didn’t take anyone seriously when they warned me about Yogurt Ron and Trembling Susan. Those seem like things you say when you are making a joke. What does a name like Yogurt Ron mean? And how can you interact with someone called Trembling Susan? I would soon learn the answers: Trembling Susan is a pain to talk to, and Yogurt Ron is simply a Ron who loves yogurt.

My first couple weeks were a whirlwind- trying to learn how to be a good employee while also settling into my new home in the city. I got along very well with fellow interns James and John and Nice Tim. Everyone in the office gave great advice and we all had fun hanging out together, with the notable exceptions of Yogurt Ron and Trembling Susan.

The first time I met Yogurt Ron was in the breakroom. Yogurt Ron always hangs out in there, because the break room is the only place in the office where one is allowed to be constantly eating yogurt. This guy really goes at it, too. Yogurt Ron doesn’t just eat yogurt, he shoves it into his hateful face without regard for others. It is both inconsiderate and, frankly, pretty fucking gross to see someone eat that much yogurt.

Trembling Susan is our receptionist and I can’t really think of a worse job for someone who quivers like a vibrating phone at all hours of the day and night. Meetings are incredibly difficult, as Trembling Susan records notes which often take many hours to decipher. It is similarly impossible to communicate audibly with Trembling Susan, as her voice shakes incessantly, like she was talking from behind a fan.

Naturally, Yogurt Ron and Trembling Susan are the best of friends. I often walk in on them socializing in the breakroom, Susan trembling on a chair while Ron stands beside her and shovels yogurt down his filthy trap. Sometimes Ron will attempt to give Susan some of his yogurt. This always causes a huge mess, as whenever Susan is excited she begins to shake even faster than normal, making it impossible to cleanly feed her anything, especially yogurt.

All in all, I have had a wonderful last three months. It has been very eye-opening, both in terms of what I should expect when I graduate, and also in terms of how much I really don’t like Trembling Susan and Yogurt Ron. All my coworkers were great otherwise. I am glad to have been given the opportunity this summer to work with great people- except those two.

Equal pay is troubling because I’m frightened of women.

There are few issues in this country today more divisive than the wage gap. Women currently get paid 75 cents for every dollar that a man makes. You hear every day about how women should get paid the same as men for doing the same work, and about how equal pay is not a privilege but a fundamental right. To people that think women deserve the same salaries as men, I pose this very simple question: Why should we pay women equally when I’m still severely afraid of talking to them?

Practically every woman I know believes in Equal Pay for Equal Work. Yet, at the same time, I am violently scare of uttering one word to any of these women. The thought of a woman frightens me and I can’t look at them without significant fear. Men, on the other hand, do not cause me fear. Seems like a black-and-white issue to me.

For those who want only facts and statistics: on average females are less qualified for their jobs than their male counterparts, because I will hire a woman over a man as soon as I see her resume if it means I do not have to interview her. In addition to being less qualified, women are also less professional. They often gossip and cause drama in my office, claiming that I am biased and misogynistic simply because I refuse to speak to them.

I do not make eye contact with women. So what makes you think they deserve to make the money I make?

Additionally, women want to be paid money when they leave work to have a baby. They say that a woman should not have to choose between her income and her child. This argument misses the point: I am also afraid of children. Countries like Finland pay new mothers for up to three months after they give birth, which is downright vexing to me. I am afraid of women and their kids, which are sometimes also women.

Now that I have made my point, I ask you again- If men and women are already equal, how come I cannot talk to women without saying something uncomfortable about their body, or suggesting that we fuck? Women terrify me, and I panic when they get close. Why would paying women equally make me any less afraid of them?

Checkmate, feminists.