St. Patrick’s Day and Bitcoin are Basically the Same Thing

St. Patrick’s day was just here and that means its time for another blog post comparing this Christian-Hallmark hero to almost everyone’s favorite cryptocurrency,  Bitcoin!

St. Patrick's Day Bitcoin Cryptocurrency Crypto
Chocolate Crypto Coins

They Are Shrouded In Mystery

Not much information is given on when or where Saint Patrick was born but there are many different speculations. Historians also don’t know if the miracles he performed actually happened. We’re not even sure where he’s buried in Ireland. What we do know? Bitcoin is just as mysterious. We never really understand what it is and we never know when its price will fluctuate.

Driving Things Out Of Places

According to legend, Saint Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland after they attacked him during a 40 day fast he was observing atop a hill. Is this true? Probably not. But what is true is that your friend’s excessive talk about Bitcoin will drive out all the people from the room and you’ll be left alone wondering why you brought your Bitcoin obsessed friend to that St. Patrick’s day party.

Celebrating With Alcohol

We celebrate Saint Patrick with day drinking and bar crawls because no holiday is complete without alcohol and toasting to the accomplishments of this particular saint is a great way to remember his legacy. If you really love bitcoin and have hit it big with your investment in it, you’ll probably celebrate with a drink. If you lost money from it, you’ll drink as well. Either way, you end up drunk, muttering about your investment to an uninterested woman at the bar.

More Satire please!

Move Over Boring Family Pictures, There’s Some New Desk Decorations In Town

Objects Work Desk Satire

The Top 10 Items You Should Have On Your Work Desk

Wanna make your workplace more exciting? Wanna let your co-workers know you’re cool by showing off a desk filled with interesting trinkets? Then look no further than this list of ten awesome things to have on your desk.


Actual Work  

Nothing shows you’re more prepared for this job than actually having the work you should be doing on your desk. Impress your boss and co-workers with your zealousness to get it done or completely fool them and don’t actually do it.


Off Brand Fidget Spinners

Nothing screams “I’m hip” more than having a fidget spinner, especially one made from a country you can’t pronounce. It’ll probably break after a week, but at least it’s something to distract you from all the work you’re supposed to be doing.


Snow Globes

Because who doesn’t enjoy feeling like a god by causing a mini snowstorm in a glass dome?


A Jar With The Tears Of Your Enemies

Show your office workers whose boss with this intimidating desk ornament. Carol from HR will never bother you again.

Tears Enemies Jar Office Work
Stay humble










A Waifu Pillow

Senpai will definitely notice you with your body pillow wife by your side


Doll Heads

I’m not creepy, you’re creepy!


A Bible

Have god on your side at work. Also good for pissing off the office atheist.



Just in case you need to make a fire to stay warm when Cathy turns the thermostat down.


 Sea Monkeys

Those things still exist, right?


Historical Action Figures

Everyone will be impressed with your Abraham Lincoln figurine, now with Kung Fu grip action and top hat accessory!


Want to know what we have on our desk? Meet the team!

Nothing Cooler Than An Office Water Cooler

Water Cooler Employees Startup Office

Water Cooler Employees Startup Office

The Different Types of Office Water Coolers

Similar to the animals of the African savannah, the members of an office flock to the one source of water they have in order to survive: the water cooler. Yes, this incredible invention has helped cubicle dwellers escape the monotony of work for a couple of minutes every day. Like ancient Greek philosophers, they huddle together and talk about important topics like last night’s episode of The Blacklist or Carol from accounting’s ugly sweater. The exchange of information flows like the water from the spout of the cooler, and everyone is given life only for a few minutes until their boss walks by and scares them away. But like the snowflake, no two water coolers are the same.

Big Office Building Water Cooler

This water cooler is replaced all the time due to a large number of people using it. Large cubicle farms in big office buildings require a lot of water in order to successfully nurture and grow a company. They also require a lot of sunlight, but that’s only reserved for the managers and CEO with the big offices. Sorry, Dave in HR, looks like your gonna have to wait for sunlight the next time you vacation in Miami. These water coolers are also bigger and sometimes have a hot water option in case you want to make coffee. Do people ever use the hot water option to make coffee? No, because this is the future and they can just use the Keurig machine in the break room for that.

A Startup Water Cooler

Sartup Fridge Craft Beer
Let’s sample the hoppiest IPA you’ve got, bro.

You’ll find that these water coolers aren’t used as much as the big office building ones. This is because there’s a smaller amount of workers who don’t drink water but instead hydrate themselves with kombucha and craft beers from the mini fridge. They’re stood in the corner, overlooked by all of the chalkboard wall graffiti and hipster artwork, waiting to be used by someone. The nervous interns may flee to the safety of the water cooler in order to escape any awkward encounters with their boss.

Doctor’s Office Water Cooler

These water coolers are used mainly by the patients who sit in the waiting room waiting for their appointments. Nervous patients can be seen pacing back and forth between their chair and the cooler, drinking excessive amounts of water in the hopes that it’ll calm them down. Nurses definitely don’t drink from the coolers because they always seem to have their own water bottles with them. Why is that? I do not know.

Back Office Of A Bar Water Cooler

That’s not water in there…

How To Cope With A Client Who’s Crazier Than You Are

client customer service satire
client customer service satire
My favorite.

“Crazy” clients are a staple in any business. Whether they’re the middle aged suburban moms who ask for the manager or the actual deranged lunatic looking to buy millions of bulletproof shields from a camera store (a very specific example so you know it’s true), every business person comes in contact with a difficult customer. So what should you not do when dealing with a crazy client?

Yell At Them

Yelling will only make them stronger.

Punch Them

Don’t do it. Jail’s not worth it.

Put Them On Hold Forever

They will catch on after year 5 of waiting, and they will find you.

Refer Them To The Intern

Ya, because the intern’s gonna know how to fix the problem…

Client Customer Service Satire
“Oh, you also once worked in customer service?”

Connect Them To Someone Else

If they keep getting connected to different departments, eventually they’ll get connected to the Russians and somehow that won’t be good for any of us.

Lose Your Cool

The last thing you’d want is for the customer to think you’re not cool and then go tell everyone at school so that you end up having to eat lunch with the nerds.

Invite Them Over To Dinner

London broil and a nice cabernet sauvignon won’t solve the issue and now the customer knows where you live. Use your head dumbass!

Give In

Never give up. Remember: The customer is NEVER right!


While you’re at it…check out our services.

How Your Valentine And Bitcoin Are Practically The Same

Valentine's Day Bitcoin
Valentine's Day Bitcoin
Yeah, unfortunately we can still see you all…

If You Don’t Have One, People Who Do Won’t Shut Up About How You Need To Get One

Once again, you’re alone on February 14 and you just want to settle down on the couch and watch Netflix. But in walks Becky and her pretentious boyfriend Mark yelling at you to get up and find someone to be with for Valentine’s Day. Becky will tell you how much fun it is to have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and that you NEEEEED to find one ASAP! They grab you and take you to a club or singles mixer and hope to be the wingmen of the century while you awkwardly stand there wishing it was St. Patrick’s Day already. The same goes for the beloved cryptocurrency Bitcoin: if you don’t have one, Joe from Accounting will attack you with information about it until you sell your soul to the devil for one. (I think that’s how you get them?)


You Can Either Get Really Lucky or Strike Out

Like Bitcoin prices, your valentine’s emotions can fluctuate. One moment they’re enjoying your company, and the next they’re leaving you money-less while you cry alone in bed. The outcome may not be pretty but if you play your cards right, you might be able to score. Be sure to make moves when the time is right.

Bitcoin Valentine's Day
B is for Bae.


You Have To Invest  In Both To Get The Desired Result

If you want you and your valentine to enjoy the day, you have to put in some cash. Whether it’s going to their favorite restaurant or getting the chocolate and flowers, money is crucial in order to make these things possible. Investing your money properly can hopefully lead to a nice night together. Now, however you get Bitcoin, be it the devil or some other method, you need to invest money in order to get that sweet, sweet ROI.


Let’s Face It: You Know Nothing About Either One Of Them

Some people have known their valentines for years, but you probably met yours a few weeks ago. You’re still doing the research and figuring out their siblings’ names or what their favorite pizza topping is. There’s so much to learn about a person that it can take years of listening to finally realize that you still don’t know everything and you probably never will. Researching Bitcoin is the same thing. But hey, at least you’ll never have to go meet its parents on Thanksgiving.

How To Ask For A Raise You Don’t Deserve

Getting a raise is is not as mysterious or impossible as many people make it out to be. But it does require a strategy.

You cannot just go into your boss’s office and wing it.  It’s hard to know how to handle oneself when asking for a raise in a traditional 9-5 work environment, especially when you are a terrible employee who routinely makes large mistakes that others have to fix for you. Here is how to ask for a raise when you clearly aren’t worth it:

Visual demonstration of getting a raise
What it looks like to get a raise

Before asking for a raise, always begin by evaluating your own performance. You want to determine the number that represents exactly how much you are worth to the company, even if this number is substantially lower than what you are already being paid. Remember, confidence is key. When you walk into your boss’s office, walk with confidence. When you ask for money that you have in no way earned or even remotely deserve, ask with confidence. Believe in yourself.


The biggest obstacle when asking for a raise that you are sincerely under qualified for will be your boss. Here are some things you should mention to your boss to convince him you are worth it:


-Dispel rumors that you are a living, breathing, train wreck of an employee by letting your boss know that people have overblown your worthlessness and even if they haven’t, only several times has a mistake you made stalled the entire company’s ability to do business.


-How does your boss decide who is worth paying more? By figuring out who is the most qualified for the raise, which means it is important to let your boss know you are worth just as much to the company as all the people who are worth significantly more to the company.


-Say “You’re the one who deserves a raise” and then refuse to speak until your boss says says this back to you.

  • Twins get a raise
    Example of twins getting a raise


-You don’t have the power to fire him, but he doesn’t know that. Doing this gives you the upper hand because now your boss is answering to you and he will do as you wish.


– You do not deserve a raise, and it will thus take quite a long time to convince your boss that you do deserve a raise. Bring snacks.

Finally, keep in mind that asking for a raise is not some sort of crazy negotiation between separate parties. Don’t sit across from one another as adversaries. Sit next to each other as two people, one boss and one criminally negligent employee. In the end, you’ll be happy you did.

I Love All My Coworkers, With Two Glaring Exceptions.

Crazy Coworkers.

This has been the best summer of my life. I live in the greatest place on earth (New York City) with the coolest job ever (I work at a comedy club) and I am actually making good money! To top it all off I even like all of my coworkers, with two obvious exceptions.

On my first day the whole office joked around a lot, which is why I didn’t take anyone seriously when they warned me about Yogurt Ron and Trembling Susan. Those seem like things you say when you are making a joke. What does a name like Yogurt Ron mean? And how can you interact with someone called Trembling Susan? I would soon learn the answers: Trembling Susan is a pain to talk to, and Yogurt Ron is simply a Ron who loves yogurt.

My first couple weeks were a whirlwind- trying to learn how to be a good employee while also settling into my new home in the city. I got along very well with fellow interns James and John and Nice Tim. Everyone in the office gave great advice and we all had fun hanging out together, with the notable exceptions of Yogurt Ron and Trembling Susan.

The first time I met Yogurt Ron was in the breakroom. Yogurt Ron always hangs out in there, because the break room is the only place in the office where one is allowed to be constantly eating yogurt. This guy really goes at it, too. Yogurt Ron doesn’t just eat yogurt, he shoves it into his hateful face without regard for others. It is both inconsiderate and, frankly, pretty fucking gross to see someone eat that much yogurt.

Trembling Susan is our receptionist and I can’t really think of a worse job for someone who quivers like a vibrating phone at all hours of the day and night. Meetings are incredibly difficult, as Trembling Susan records notes which often take many hours to decipher. It is similarly impossible to communicate audibly with Trembling Susan, as her voice shakes incessantly, like she was talking from behind a fan.

Naturally, Yogurt Ron and Trembling Susan are the best of friends. I often walk in on them socializing in the breakroom, Susan trembling on a chair while Ron stands beside her and shovels yogurt down his filthy trap. Sometimes Ron will attempt to give Susan some of his yogurt. This always causes a huge mess, as whenever Susan is excited she begins to shake even faster than normal, making it impossible to cleanly feed her anything, especially yogurt.

All in all, I have had a wonderful last three months. It has been very eye-opening, both in terms of what I should expect when I graduate, and also in terms of how much I really don’t like Trembling Susan and Yogurt Ron. All my coworkers were great otherwise. I am glad to have been given the opportunity this summer to work with great people- except those two.

Why Pay Women Equally When I’m Still Afraid Of Talking To Them?

Equal pay is troubling because I’m frightened of women.

How I look when I see a woman who wants equal pay or who doesn't
Me seeing women

There are few issues in this country today more divisive than the wage gap. Women currently get paid 75 cents for every dollar that a man makes. You hear every day about how women should get paid the same as men for doing the same work, and about how equal pay is not a privilege but a fundamental right. To people that think women deserve the same salaries as men, I pose this very simple question: Why should we pay women equally when I’m still severely afraid of talking to them?

Practically every woman I know believes in Equal Pay for Equal Work. Yet, at the same time, I am violently scare of uttering one word to any of these women. The thought of a woman frightens me and I can’t look at them without significant fear. Men, on the other hand, do not cause me fear. Seems like a black-and-white issue to me.

do they deserve equal pay?
Good example of a woman

For those who want only facts and statistics: on average females are less qualified for their jobs than their male counterparts, because I will hire a woman over a man as soon as I see her resume if it means I do not have to interview her. In addition to being less qualified, women are also less professional. They often gossip and cause drama in my office, claiming that I am biased and misogynistic simply because I refuse to speak to them.

I do not make eye contact with women. So what makes you think they deserve to make the money I make?

Additionally, women want to be paid money when they leave work to have a baby. They say that a woman should not have to choose between her income and her child. This argument misses the point: I am also afraid of children. Countries like Finland pay new mothers for up to three months after they give birth, which is downright vexing to me. I am afraid of women and their kids, which are sometimes also women.

Now that I have made my point, I ask you again- If men and women are already equal, how come I cannot talk to women without saying something uncomfortable about their body, or suggesting that we fuck? Women terrify me, and I panic when they get close. Why would paying women equally make me any less afraid of them?

Checkmate, feminists.