How To Cope With A Hangover At Work

Work Hangover
Work Hangover
Like that mug, we can see through you.

By: David Cutler

It’s a beautiful Friday morning and you have to go to work, but there’s one problem: you’re hungover af. How will you ever get your work done? Will you be able to hide the fact from your boss? What should you do to stop that awful headache? Well fear not, because I have the hangover cures for you!

Time ISN’T The Answer

You know how people say that time is the only cure for hangovers? Well that’s B.S. because taking some Advil and drinking an ice coffee from Dunkin will really help you out. Ain’t nobody got time to wait for a headache to pass when you have work to do!

Work Hangover
Always ahead of the game.

Take A Shower In Your Office

Showers always help people feel better, so why not take one in the privacy of your workspace. Fill up your thermos with water and pour it over your head repeatedly. Make sure you keep all your wash products with you in a drawer. And remember: keeping your clothing on is optional.

Don’t Go To Work

You can’t get fired from your job if you don’t show up…

Drink More Alcohol

Bring a hair-of-the-dog cocktail to work and watch as you forget you ever had a hangover and work to do.

Don’t Drink The Night Before

Pppffttt, ya right. Go wild you crazy animals! Put the fun in functioning alcoholic!

Another round?

Boss vs. Professor: Who’s Better At Teaching Marketing?

Professor Boss Work Marketing

People out in the workforce have probably thought to themselves at one time or another who they have learned more from. Was it from their boss with all their micromanaging tactics or was it from their college professor and their slide show lectures? While the answer differs from person to person, I’d like to give my answer because I need to vent.

 

Personal Opinions

Professor Boss Marketing Work
Your life is an illusion, Blake.

 

When learning about new topics, especially in the business world, it’s always important to have examples to help explain the subject. These examples are often about different products and companies and their successes and failures so that we can learn what to do or not do when we’re at a job. Yet, teachers, especially one I currently have, will not only talk about a company and its products but will give their personal opinions on it which lead to long antidotes about their life. To those teachers, I say, “I don’t give a damn!” Our parents pay a lot for us to learn about business, not about Professor Smugface McGee’s life. I have sat in classes not learning anything about business, but rather about a professor’s favorite car brand and how Jeff Bezos is bae. This will not prepare me for my job and only causes me more stress when I have to teach myself information for tests. On the other hand, my boss will give me concrete examples from experiences that have happened at the company. These examples can help give insight into how the company works and what’s the right way to get the job done.

 

Tests vs. Tasks

 

While tests might let the professor gauge how much you know, it’s not always accurate. Cheating and cramming the night before can give the illusion that you know the information when in reality you don’t. And even those who do study tend to forget what they learned because they only studied it to regurgitate the information onto the test and then forget about it right after. Likewise, when a professor decides to give at home online quizzes instead of actual in-class tests, students often find themselves cheating on these tests and not showing up to class. This is a dumb move on the teacher’s part, especially if they care about participation. But, when a boss assigns you to a task, you make sure it gets done on time and flawlessly. There’s no cheating or cramming your way out of this one because this can cost you your job. Doing these tasks can also efficiently teach an employee new and useful information. They will likely remember the information because it was hands on and they were able to complete the task on their own or with their team, instead of just getting the answers from someone else.

 

Motivation

 

Without motivation, we would have no reason to get out of bed. College kids never get out of bed. Coincidence? I think not! When classes are boring and seem pointless because the professor doesn’t take attendance, gives take-home tests, or is just super annoying, students will often find themselves ditching class because they don’t care enough. Some professors nowadays don’t always care about the students and just teach in order to finish their course requirements without actually garnering any interest. Others want to be “the cool teacher,” and just make it easy for the students to get an A. As much as I appreciate that now, I know it won’t help me because there is no motivation to learn and I might end up at a job clueless about something very important. That is why it is so important for bosses to always inspire and challenge their employees. The push to get the job done will not only teach you how to manage your time better but will motivate you to put your all into a project so that you can come into work every day feeling knowledgeable and pleased about all you’ve accomplished.

Take that, Professor Smugface McGee!

 

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Bitcoin Is Basically Pot

Bitcoin 420 Pot Crypto

Suh dudes! It’s that time again where we discuss how bitcoin compares to something else. Today we’ll explore the similarities between that ever so popular cryptocurrency and the magic of marijuana. So take a hit from the bong and stay woke with these dank examples.

 

You Never Know What’ll Happen

 

Sure, Indica strains may make you tired and Sativas help you come up with the next great rock opera for dogs, but sometimes the weed you smoke might take you for a ride you didn’t want to be on. When investing in Bitcoin, it’s uncertain what will happen with the prices or if the currency will even last so you might end up crying in bed just like you did after that bad trip from the laced weed you had at Coachella.

 

Bitcoin 420 Cryptocurrency
These two again….

Price Fluctuations

 

One day a gram is 10 bucks, the next it’s 15. “What happened?” you ask your dealers. “I don’t know, bro,” they respond. One day Bitcoin costs $19,000, the next it’s $8,500. “What happened?” you ask your Bitcoin gurus. “I don’t know, bro,” they respond. THEY’RE THE SAME THING!

 

It’s A Whole Culture Now

 

Weed culture has flourished over the years. From music and movies to apparel and novels, weed is everywhere. Websites were made to discuss different strains, while news sites like Vice cover all things weed around the world. People celebrate 4/20 like a holiday by blazing up all day long while listening to Bob Marley, praise be unto him. Bitcoin is slowly but surely creating its own culture and one day I hope to listen to Bobby Bitcoin and the CryptoCrew on National Bitcoin Day.

 

Your Friends Won’t Shut Up About It

 

Everyone has those stoner friends who won’t stop talking about weed. Nothing else in the world matters to them more than their precious Mary Jane and they’ll always feel the need to tell you about it, even when you don’t care. Hearing about you roommate Sammy’s crazy weed-fueled dream about Tickle-Me-Elmo taking over the world might not be what you want to hear while you try to focus on finishing your work. The same goes for your Bitcoin loving friends. They don’t stop blabbering on about the new Cryptocurrencies that came out or how their stocks plummeted while you’re out trying to have fun. It’s tough to deal with these friends but you put up with them time and time again, so sit back and smoke a bowl today because let’s face it: you deserve it!

 

By the way…have you met the team?

Workplace Superstitions

Work Office Friday 13th
Work Office Friday 13th
TGI-F*CK OFF

In this day and age, one can never be too careful about the dark forces that surround us, even in the workplace. Whether it is co-workers wishing you the worst, demons, or your terrible boss, the dark powers that be are always up to no good. But with these tips and tricks you can fight them and bring peace and tranquility to your work space.

Feng Shui

Arrange your desk so that it faces the east wall of your cubicle away from the entrance. The less eye contact made with co-workers, the better chances you’ll have of a quite work experience.

Scatter Work All Over Your Desk

By having papers all over your desk, you will give the illusion that you are hard at work. This will in turn trick demons and bosses into thinking you’re busy and they will leave you alone until they make awkward small talk with you while you walk to your car.

Defense Against The Office Evil Eye

If you notice that someone at work is wishing you ill, take your index finger and middle finger and poke that bastard in the eyes. That’ll teach the evil eye to mess with you!

Work Office Friday 13th
Have a great day. And by great we mean not great.

Charms

Having certain office charms can bring different kinds of luck and connections with the powers around us. Hanging a clock and calendar in your office will give you a better sense of association with time and space. A stapler on the desk can mean a life filled with connecting to others because everyone will ask you to borrow it. Having a Keurig on your desk will bring you much energy and the power to get through your day and hopefully the rest of your life. Desk plants will bring you a better sense of responsibility, but also spiders if you’re not careful.

And remember the most important advice told over by the Kabbalists of old: Working is a remedy for money!

Look at some of our non-superstitious things.

Oh and here too.

An Ode To The Intern

Office Intern Work Boss
Office Intern Work Boss
“See, this is why I hate you all.”

INTERN

Here you sit,

Upon your swiveled thrown,

Working hard

My, how you’ve grown.

Wishing,

Waiting,

Wondering,

If there is something better.

And will you get it,

With your resume,

And cover letter?

Office Intern Boss Work
“This isn’t organic, Tiffany.”

No one knows except the boss,

Whether you stay,

Or get the toss.

But if you work hard,

And stop flirting,

You’ll get the job,

And an i.d. card.

So much work,

So little time,

All of this,

Without earning a dime.

Just know we value your work,

Even though we may act like a jerk.

 

I’m sad. Take me home.

St. Patrick’s Day and Bitcoin are Basically the Same Thing

St. Patrick’s day was just here and that means its time for another blog post comparing this Christian-Hallmark hero to almost everyone’s favorite cryptocurrency,  Bitcoin!

St. Patrick's Day Bitcoin Cryptocurrency Crypto
Chocolate Crypto Coins

They Are Shrouded In Mystery

Not much information is given on when or where Saint Patrick was born but there are many different speculations. Historians also don’t know if the miracles he performed actually happened. We’re not even sure where he’s buried in Ireland. What we do know? Bitcoin is just as mysterious. We never really understand what it is and we never know when its price will fluctuate.

Driving Things Out Of Places

According to legend, Saint Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland after they attacked him during a 40 day fast he was observing atop a hill. Is this true? Probably not. But what is true is that your friend’s excessive talk about Bitcoin will drive out all the people from the room and you’ll be left alone wondering why you brought your Bitcoin obsessed friend to that St. Patrick’s day party.

Celebrating With Alcohol

We celebrate Saint Patrick with day drinking and bar crawls because no holiday is complete without alcohol and toasting to the accomplishments of this particular saint is a great way to remember his legacy. If you really love bitcoin and have hit it big with your investment in it, you’ll probably celebrate with a drink. If you lost money from it, you’ll drink as well. Either way, you end up drunk, muttering about your investment to an uninterested woman at the bar.

More Satire please!

Move Over Boring Family Pictures, There’s Some New Desk Decorations In Town

Objects Work Desk Satire

The Top 10 Items You Should Have On Your Work Desk

Wanna make your workplace more exciting? Wanna let your co-workers know you’re cool by showing off a desk filled with interesting trinkets? Then look no further than this list of ten awesome things to have on your desk.

 

Actual Work  

Nothing shows you’re more prepared for this job than actually having the work you should be doing on your desk. Impress your boss and co-workers with your zealousness to get it done or completely fool them and don’t actually do it.

 

Off Brand Fidget Spinners

Nothing screams “I’m hip” more than having a fidget spinner, especially one made from a country you can’t pronounce. It’ll probably break after a week, but at least it’s something to distract you from all the work you’re supposed to be doing.

 

Snow Globes

Because who doesn’t enjoy feeling like a god by causing a mini snowstorm in a glass dome?

 

A Jar With The Tears Of Your Enemies

Show your office workers whose boss with this intimidating desk ornament. Carol from HR will never bother you again.

Tears Enemies Jar Office Work
Stay humble

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Waifu Pillow

Senpai will definitely notice you with your body pillow wife by your side

 

Doll Heads

I’m not creepy, you’re creepy!

 

A Bible

Have god on your side at work. Also good for pissing off the office atheist.

 

Firewood

Just in case you need to make a fire to stay warm when Cathy turns the thermostat down.

 

 Sea Monkeys

Those things still exist, right?

 

Historical Action Figures

Everyone will be impressed with your Abraham Lincoln figurine, now with Kung Fu grip action and top hat accessory!

 

Want to know what we have on our desk? Meet the team!

Nothing Cooler Than An Office Water Cooler

Water Cooler Employees Startup Office

Water Cooler Employees Startup Office

The Different Types of Office Water Coolers

Similar to the animals of the African savannah, the members of an office flock to the one source of water they have in order to survive: the water cooler. Yes, this incredible invention has helped cubicle dwellers escape the monotony of work for a couple of minutes every day. Like ancient Greek philosophers, they huddle together and talk about important topics like last night’s episode of The Blacklist or Carol from accounting’s ugly sweater. The exchange of information flows like the water from the spout of the cooler, and everyone is given life only for a few minutes until their boss walks by and scares them away. But like the snowflake, no two water coolers are the same.

Big Office Building Water Cooler

This water cooler is replaced all the time due to a large number of people using it. Large cubicle farms in big office buildings require a lot of water in order to successfully nurture and grow a company. They also require a lot of sunlight, but that’s only reserved for the managers and CEO with the big offices. Sorry, Dave in HR, looks like your gonna have to wait for sunlight the next time you vacation in Miami. These water coolers are also bigger and sometimes have a hot water option in case you want to make coffee. Do people ever use the hot water option to make coffee? No, because this is the future and they can just use the Keurig machine in the break room for that.

A Startup Water Cooler

Sartup Fridge Craft Beer
Let’s sample the hoppiest IPA you’ve got, bro.

You’ll find that these water coolers aren’t used as much as the big office building ones. This is because there’s a smaller amount of workers who don’t drink water but instead hydrate themselves with kombucha and craft beers from the mini fridge. They’re stood in the corner, overlooked by all of the chalkboard wall graffiti and hipster artwork, waiting to be used by someone. The nervous interns may flee to the safety of the water cooler in order to escape any awkward encounters with their boss.

Doctor’s Office Water Cooler

These water coolers are used mainly by the patients who sit in the waiting room waiting for their appointments. Nervous patients can be seen pacing back and forth between their chair and the cooler, drinking excessive amounts of water in the hopes that it’ll calm them down. Nurses definitely don’t drink from the coolers because they always seem to have their own water bottles with them. Why is that? I do not know.

Back Office Of A Bar Water Cooler

That’s not water in there…

How To Cope With A Client Who’s Crazier Than You Are

client customer service satire
client customer service satire
My favorite.

“Crazy” clients are a staple in any business. Whether they’re the middle aged suburban moms who ask for the manager or the actual deranged lunatic looking to buy millions of bulletproof shields from a camera store (a very specific example so you know it’s true), every business person comes in contact with a difficult customer. So what should you not do when dealing with a crazy client?

Yell At Them

Yelling will only make them stronger.

Punch Them

Don’t do it. Jail’s not worth it.

Put Them On Hold Forever

They will catch on after year 5 of waiting, and they will find you.

Refer Them To The Intern

Ya, because the intern’s gonna know how to fix the problem…

Client Customer Service Satire
“Oh, you also once worked in customer service?”

Connect Them To Someone Else

If they keep getting connected to different departments, eventually they’ll get connected to the Russians and somehow that won’t be good for any of us.

Lose Your Cool

The last thing you’d want is for the customer to think you’re not cool and then go tell everyone at school so that you end up having to eat lunch with the nerds.

Invite Them Over To Dinner

London broil and a nice cabernet sauvignon won’t solve the issue and now the customer knows where you live. Use your head dumbass!

Give In

Never give up. Remember: The customer is NEVER right!

 

While you’re at it…check out our services.

How Your Valentine And Bitcoin Are Practically The Same

Valentine's Day Bitcoin
Valentine's Day Bitcoin
Yeah, unfortunately we can still see you all…

If You Don’t Have One, People Who Do Won’t Shut Up About How You Need To Get One

Once again, you’re alone on February 14 and you just want to settle down on the couch and watch Netflix. But in walks Becky and her pretentious boyfriend Mark yelling at you to get up and find someone to be with for Valentine’s Day. Becky will tell you how much fun it is to have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day and that you NEEEEED to find one ASAP! They grab you and take you to a club or singles mixer and hope to be the wingmen of the century while you awkwardly stand there wishing it was St. Patrick’s Day already. The same goes for the beloved cryptocurrency Bitcoin: if you don’t have one, Joe from Accounting will attack you with information about it until you sell your soul to the devil for one. (I think that’s how you get them?)

 

You Can Either Get Really Lucky or Strike Out

Like Bitcoin prices, your valentine’s emotions can fluctuate. One moment they’re enjoying your company, and the next they’re leaving you money-less while you cry alone in bed. The outcome may not be pretty but if you play your cards right, you might be able to score. Be sure to make moves when the time is right.

Bitcoin Valentine's Day
B is for Bae.

 

You Have To Invest  In Both To Get The Desired Result

If you want you and your valentine to enjoy the day, you have to put in some cash. Whether it’s going to their favorite restaurant or getting the chocolate and flowers, money is crucial in order to make these things possible. Investing your money properly can hopefully lead to a nice night together. Now, however you get Bitcoin, be it the devil or some other method, you need to invest money in order to get that sweet, sweet ROI.

 

Let’s Face It: You Know Nothing About Either One Of Them

Some people have known their valentines for years, but you probably met yours a few weeks ago. You’re still doing the research and figuring out their siblings’ names or what their favorite pizza topping is. There’s so much to learn about a person that it can take years of listening to finally realize that you still don’t know everything and you probably never will. Researching Bitcoin is the same thing. But hey, at least you’ll never have to go meet its parents on Thanksgiving.