Satire Archives | Skitish Media

All I Want This Summer Are Horror Movies

June 17, 2019June 13, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

Well, all I want every summer are some decent (or not decent) horror movies. My taste ranges
from psychological thrillers to sadistic gorefests to mindless slasher flicks. Ultimately, I’m a
simple woman who equates a good summer to watching an unreasonable amount of horror. But
what’s most important is that I refuse to apologize.

Maybe it has to do with the constant beach visits, fireworks, fairs, and general fun in the sun that
makes me want to sink my teeth into something more gritty. While half of me enjoys the
lighthearted fun vibe of summer, the macabre side of me growls with hunger. You can put the
girl in summer, but you can’t take the horror movies away from the girl, right? The saying goes
something like that. (Sure.) But what can I say, I’m a paradox.

But can something actually be wrong if it feels SO right? Maybe, but definitely not in this
instance. Horror provides the perfect contrast to summer, and believe it or not, it makes me
enjoy the cheery nature of the season a lot more. If it sounds reasonable to me, it should to you
too. However, at this point, you might be asking yourself: Isn’t October the perfect time of year
to watch horror films? My sweet reader, that is simply the obvious answer. Of course, I enjoy a
scary movie around the best holiday of the year. I’m not a monster. But summer just brings
something out in me that a lot of people simply can’t understand.

The Philosophy of Clickbait

June 7, 2019June 7, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

The philosophy of clickbait is relatively straightforward: create an outlandishly melodramatic title
(that’s sometimes an outright lie) to make an article more appealing to click on. Something I’ve
noticed lately as I scroll through my news app is that every single publication does it. It doesn’t
matter if it’s labeled as a high-end news outlet or not, every last one of them is guilty of it. And
I’m guilty of clicking anyway.

I fall prey to clickbait every fucking day of my life. But, you know what, I get it why news outlets
do it. The whole point of writing articles is getting people to read them. Clickbait is a sure fire
way of racking in an audience. Is it dishonest? Definitely. Does it work? Obviously — I’m living
proof. Despite understanding the motivation, I still feel the bitter sting of betrayal when I realize
an article isn’t as juicy as its title. I also grow to hate myself for not listening to my gut when it
told me the headline was too good to be true.

But that’s the thing about clickbait is that it makes the reader complicit too. I’d wager that the
majority of the audience knows what they’re getting into when they click on a clickbait article.
Yet, so many of us are guilty of clicking anyway. I’ve come to ask myself one simple question
repeatedly throughout many days and sleepless nights: Why? More specifically, why do we
make ourselves complicit? I’ve come to realize that clickbait counts on its audience being utterly
human. In other words, we live for drama (think about the sheer amount of reality television out
there), whether we like to admit it or not. This is why we click on unfeasibly melodramatic titles.
We want (or maybe need) the article to be just as interesting and dramatic as its title.

But perhaps clickbait is less about the innate human need for drama, but more about the natural
need for hope. We hope against the odds when it comes to clickbait. That’s what makes it so
tempting. It’s almost like the thrill of gambling at a casino. You’re probably gonna lose all your
money, but that doesn’t mean you’re not gonna try to win some cash anyway. That’s why
clickbait always wins, and why I allow it to continually own my sorry ass.

Why It’s Important To Follow Trends

May 31, 2019May 31, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

It seems like nowadays trends are changing faster than the speed of light. There’s fashion
trends, hair trends, food trends, music trends, and so much more. You might find yourself
struggling to keep up. If you are, it is crucial to remember that it’s probably all your fault and
you’re just not trying hard enough.

It’s also important to remember, most people aren’t trend-setters, so you’ll most likely need to be
a trend-follower. (Sorry, I don’t make the rules.) There’s no shame in it. In fact, you could take
pride in your ability to follow the hottest, latest trends. It’s just extremely important to remember
keeping up with them. If you’re doing it right, it should take up most of your free time. In reality, if
you’re tremendously stressed just thinking about it, it probably means you’re right on track. But,
that is beside the point. Who cares if you’re studying trends instead of taking a well-earned
break after a hard day’s work? Do you want to embarrass yourself in public? These are the
questions you have to ask yourself in moments of weakness.

This is the most important guiding principle in life: Individuality is for losers. Why would you do
what you want, when you could follow what everyone else is doing? This seems like a
no-brainer to me, folks. It should be for you too. At the end of the day, it’s just easier to fit in.
Following trends guarantees a giant pool of friends (probably). It also ensures that you leave
your house with the pride and satisfaction of knowing that there is nothing special or unique
about you. (You can pat yourself on the back for being the anti-hipster.)

So now that you’re stressed, exhausted, and conformed to every frequently changing trend,
don’t you feel better. DON’T YOU? I’m still waiting for my contentment to kick in. I’m sure it
will… Any minute now… Please, help.

The Beach is Nice…In Theory!

May 17, 2019May 17, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

Every year when the weather starts warming up, my thoughts inevitably drift toward the beach. I
imagine letting my feet sink in the wet sand by the shore, the smell of suntan lotion (I love it,
don’t fight me on this), and the water.

But then the disappointment washes over me after about two hours into any beach trip. I start
thinking, “This is a little boring, right?”. I don’t mean to be a hater, but there’s only so much lying
on the sand that I can take. I mean, it could have something to do with the people I go with.

I always seem to love the water more than anyone around me. Everyone else seems more
interested in sunbathing, and that’s fine (except I’m prone to sunburns). But what’s relaxing to
most is boring as fuck to me.

That’s not even the worst part, though. It’s the crowds. On the hottest days of the summer,
people get attracted to the beach like moths to a flame. And it is exhausting. I’d like to hear the
beautiful sound of the waves, but the giant swarm of people makes that a little difficult.

That brings me to sand. Why, oh why does someone always kick sand in my face when the
wind is already doing an excellent job of it? It could be a family member, a friend, or a complete
stranger. But it always happens, WITHOUT FAIL! And how I can I forget the sands ultimate
insult: It enjoys going into crevices. You know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t, well,
I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

At the end of the day, if the boredom, loud crowds, sand, or sunburns don’t bother you-you’re a
special human being. Well, probably not, considering a lot of people seem to love the beach. I
wouldn’t even say I hate it. It’s just something that’s better as a daydream on hot days.

5 Ways To Deal With The Death of Our Favorite Characters

May 10, 2019May 10, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

It’s been hard being a geek lately. I’m still coping with the fallout of major character deaths from
Game of Thrones most recent episodes and Avengers: Endgame. (I’m not including any
spoilers.) If you’re a fan of either franchise then you probably already knew to expect a certain
level of carnage. But does that stop my pain? No, it most certainly does not. Since all of my
favorite tv shows/movies are killing off my favorite characters, I’ve become very familiar with the
pattern I go through when dealing with them.

1. Start questioning the necessity of them

Did that character really have to die? Couldn’t the show/film have gone on without breaking my
heart? These are the questions I start asking myself before I really go into meltdown mode.

2. Enter Meltdown Mode

Folks, at this point, I’m all over the place. The emotions that have been holding back are
flooding to the surface, and I am not okay. People are throwing me funny faces, but I don’t care.
Wanna know why? My heart is in a million pieces.

3. Build Up Resentment

It starts to feel like the writers personally attacked me. Is that fair? Probably not. Rationality is
not my friend anymore, blind rage is. I guess that’s what happens when you give your time and
love to something, and it decides to crush you.

4. Deny Deny Deny

I start to wonder if that person really just died. Maybe what happened was a trick. Maybe (if it’s
a fantasy show/movie) they will come back to life. Sometimes, when it comes to the latter,
you’re lucky. Other times, you’re just waiting around for something that is never going to
happen.

5. “Accept” The Death

In other words, I don’t ever completely recover. Their death doesn’t fill me with the same shock,
anger, or sadness as it originally had. But, I can’t help feeling bummed when I think of it again
randomly. Then my fury with the writers gets renewed. It’s an extremely vicious cycle, that’s out
of my control.

The Psychology Behind Spring Cleaning

April 19, 2019April 19, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

It’s that time of year <3.

Spring is the best season of the year, and it’s here. Luscious flowers have started blooming, the
branches of trees are suddenly growing back their lovely leaves once again, and you’re hit with a
whole lot of beauty that your winter eyes are not accustomed too. Your spirit is revitalized, but
you start to recognize that your home does not reflect that, so you decide that it is time to
declutter your life. This phenomenon is widely known as spring cleaning, and trust me, no
human with a soul is immune.

While winter is essentially the worst season, that only sends people into hibernation mode;
spring is a time of rebirth when you finally get to shed your old skin. In other words, spring is a
breath of fresh air, while winter is a pile of shit. I don’t usually enjoy general statements, but this
is a very spot on assessment. Anyhoo, this sudden contrast (from shit to not-shit) tends to make
people want to turn over a new leaf (pun intended).

Home is a representation of the self. In winter we are our worst selves, so our homes tend to be
too. Which is why it is only natural that we strive to make our homes best in the spring. You
should never underestimate the power of getting rid of the literal baggage weighing you down in
your home life. Specifically, winter baggage. Organize, and put your winter clothes out of sight.
We only want good energy this spring. Next, be honest with yourself about the things you need
and don’t need in your life.

Just remember while organizing, that any improvements in your home life reverberate into all
the other areas of your life. Which is why throughout this process you have to remind yourself
that not doing this with brutal efficiency means failing yourself in every way imaginable.Spring
cleaning is not the light-hearted and easy going activity that everyone thinks it is. It’s tough, but
it is so worth it when your dancing on the ashes of the person you used to be.

At the end of the day, getting rid of the stuff you don’t need can have a truly reinvigorating, dare
I say, spring-like quality to it. More than that, it’s just plain satisfying, like scratching an arm
that’s been in a cast for months. Everyone deserves to scratch that psychological itch. More
importantly, everyone should love spring as much as they love themselves. But seriously, don’t
mess this up and ruin your life. (:

Thoughts on The First-Ever Image of a Black Hole

April 12, 2019April 12, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

You’ve probably already heard about the news that the first-ever image of a black hole has been
taken. It might have been when you were scrolling through your news or social media app this
week. Personally, I woke up with a news notification about it on my phone. Which, in retrospect,
is kind of a hilarious way to learn more about the intricacies of our universe.

For those who don’t know, black holes are basically the corpses of stars that collapsed into
themselves, forming regions of space with immense gravitational pull. Meaning, anything nearby
can’t escape it, not even light. So naturally, my initial reaction to discovering someone had
finally snapped a picture of this impressively terrifying cosmic phenomenon was, holy shit that’s
cool.

Apparently, the image of the black hole went beyond simply being cool (what a shock), and
bolstered Einstein’s theory of relativity. So, way to go, Einstein! I’m starting to seriously digress
because this is NOT a science article. This is an existential article. It’s so existential that I have
to declare it’s overwhelmingly existentialist quality.

Ultimately, when all my scientific questions faded away I started thinking about how tiny and
insignificant humans are in the cosmic expanse of the universe. I started questioning: Do we
even matter? What’s in a galaxy far, far away that our tiny human minds will never be able to
photograph or comprehend? These are just a couple of examples of the lighthearted questions
that were suffocating my mind. Alas, to soothe my existential dread I realized I must meditate
and focus on my breathing, instead of focusing on unanswerable questions. Just kidding, even
though that probably would have been an okay idea!

Instead, I took a deeper dive online and what I found was truly disturbing. Like, I’m gonna have
nightmares for weeks. People stared into the heart of a black hole on their smartphone screens
and decided the first thing that they would do was tell jokes! People joked about how blurry the
image was, and how it looked like a donut! The indignity! (Yes, I’m using a lot of exclamation
points. I’m upset!) These are just a couple examples of the common jokes I found. I thought
maybe, just maybe we were better than this. That when we gained the privilege of viewing
cosmic entities that we’ve never been visually exposed to before, we’d be filled with awe,
existential dread, and gratitude to the person that made the image possible. But, apparently
not. And I’m just really disappointed if I’m being honest.

This whole experience resulted in me becoming the living embodiment of Friedrich Nietzsche’s
infamous words, “Beware that, when fighting monsters, you yourself do not become a monster…
for when you gaze long into the abyss. The abyss gazes also into you.” Dear god, I’ve been
gazing into this abyss. I’m not sure I liked what it turned me into. If you think the abyss I’m
referring to is the literal abyss of the black hole, you would be mistaken. The metaphorical abyss
I’m talking about is existentialism and the poor side of human nature. The lasting impression is
not sweet on me or you. Good day.

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I Love Coffee And I’m Not Sorry About It Either

April 5, 2019April 5, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

There’s a vast spectrum of love in the known universe, and the purest form it comes in is coffee.
Some people might tell you-you’re wrong to love her (yes, her), but those people are assholes.
I’ll tell you why I unapologetically love coffee…

1. She Smells Good

What do you want to smell in the morning? The right answer to that question is coffee. Honestly,
there’s nothing quite like the aroma of freshly brewed Keurig coffee wafting up my nose first
thing in the morning. Let’s face it, she’s a sweet reminder of why I should even bother to get out
of bed at all.

2. She Keeps Me Focused

I’m not at my best without coffee. Who the hell is? She puts a pep in my step and is able to get
me through the banality of everyday life. More than that, she makes me more motivated to
perform my daily tasks. What more could a person ask for?

3. She Makes Me Smile

Apparently smiling makes you live longer, so it would actually be foolish not to love coffee! That,
coupled with the never-ending bliss, makes coffee the perfect lifelong companion. There’s
nothing that she can’t do.

4. She Brings People Together

5. She Leaves Me Wanting More

I like to arrange the order of my day according to when my next cup of coffee will be. It’s nice to
have something wonderful to look forward to, that will drag you right through any slog. The great
thing is I never get sick of coffee! She always leaves me wanting more.

So You Hate Everything. Now What?

March 29, 2019March 29, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

People might call you a cynic. My dearest friends, those people are assholes. You’re simply a
realist, with a world view that some might view as problematic. But I see you, I understand you,
and if I’m being honest, well, I am you.

The hardest part of everything filling you up with an intense and indescribable rage is all the
misunderstanding surrounding you as a person. People might call you jaded or a nihilist, but the
sad truth is everyone else is too stupid to see the world for what it truly is… a pile of crap. So
what’s a person supposed to do when confronted with such accusations? You prove your point
and describe all the ways the world generally sucks.

You can start by talking about the people who don’t stop looking at their phones when you’re talking to them,
the bigots of the world (Just why?), the people who talk too loudly at the movies (Hello, this ticket wasn’t
cheap, so please don’t be that person), the people who walk too slowly in front of you when you’re in a rush
(seriously, these people are a menace), and last but not least, the Twitter trolls (Please, please,
please get a life for everyone’s sanity).

But, the worst part is that it isn’t just the people that make the world a shitty place, it’s
everything. We are the products of our environments after all, so it is natural that everyone
sucks in an extremely general way. Just consider the rising cost of living, train delays, taxes,
starvation, and the infinite amount of horrors in the world. Life is a nightmare, it’s only healthy to
acknowledge that… But sometimes you might start to wonder if it is healthy to acknowledge that
all of the time. Maybe you would be happier if you could just see the silver lining from time to
time. It could be the therapy, or maybe it’s all the people in your life pointing out you’ve become
the living embodiment of the poop emoji. You inevitably start to question your worldview.

All in all, you probably don’t have the worst life on the planet. Maybe conceding that could be a
step in the right direction for — Wait, NO. Forget it! Your sticking to your opinion because you
are always right no matter what. I mean, thinking the world is just one giant black hole has
worked so well for you up to this point. The constant crippling despair is worth holding on to this
belief.

**This is a satire piece, please try to see the good in the world and lead happy lives.

How To Cope With The Constant Negative News Cycle

March 15, 2019March 15, 2019 by Elsa Hysa

Gaining access to the news 24/7 is one of the gifts bestowed upon us by the digital age. But,
who knew it would hurt this much? Every time I click on my news app I’m filled with something
too close to dread. It leads me to wonder what person this week, that has been widely looked up
to, will actually turn out to be human garbage? What senseless and horrific crimes have been
committed? It is and has been, exhausting and repetitive. But also, I can’t look away, like I’m
witnessing the scene of a car crash on the motorway. I really, really want to, but I just can’t
seem to avert my gaze.

Since I can’t stick my head in the sand (no matter how much I may want too), I’ve decided I’m
NEVER looking away. This means my sole goal in life is gonna be reading the news as much as
I possibly can in life, in the hopes that it won’t hurt so much to read it anymore. In between job
and school responsibilities, this is how I’ll use my free time. The news will be what I read before
I go to bed every night, and it will be what I wake up to every morning.

This might seem strange, but just hear me out: What if a person were exposed to some constant source
of negativity (THE NEWS) for long periods of time, then that person would logically build a healthy
tolerance toward it at some point, right. One could describe it as numbing yourself. Or, better yet,
think of it as lifting weights in the area of your mind that combats negativity.

Yep, that sounds healthier.

In a perfect world, you would be able to read/watch the news all the time. Unfortunately, we
sometimes have to interact with the people around us *shudders*. So, what can we do in these
situations? We can talk about the news! Misery loves company, and my dears, you probably
won’t have anything else to talk about at a certain point in this process. By the way, when loved
ones eventually start asking why your eyes are always red now, say that it’s from never flinching
the face of truth (your phone screen) again. That will totally alleviate any concerns they have
about you.

My own progress has been, well, quite limited. So far. But, I’m not giving up, and neither should
anyone else who starts this journey. My method actually does work sometimes. When I haven’t
slept in over 24 hours because of my non-stop quest to end the negativity brought on by the
news (not me – no matter what anyone else says), this is when it works best. Maybe it’s the
delirium, or the words on the screen becoming nonsensical in your sleep deprived brain – but,
who cares? I know, I don’t!

Need an escape from this hell? Laugh here!