Branded Entertainment

People Just Want Their Sports Back. Fair, Fun, Steroid-Fueled Sports.

A Football that blew up or ripped in half

Life can suck. People need sports to escape reality. That’s why Americans hate cheaters. The one time things are supposed to be fair, it’s not.

America loves balls. Big balls, small balls, oddly shaped balls but not soccer balls though. Soccer balls belong in Europe. Sports is a cornerstone of life in America. For men, it’s a few hours a week they have to themselves, to escape their lives and marital responsibilities. Since the 60s divorce rates in the U.S have risen, exponentially while the popularity of sports has skyrocketed. Coincidence, I don’t think so.

A Wilson Football
This is what a football is supposed to look like

Our lives are so fascinated and encapsulated by sports that we’re willing to watch anything that involves a ball or two. Take this YouTube video, for instance, by “The Slow Mo Guys” who over-inflate a football and soccer ball until they explode. Now at first you may think “who would benefit from watching a couple of guys blow up some ball?”

Drew Brees holding a deflated football on Conan
This is not what a football is supposed to look like

Well, Wilson sporting goods and Riddell football gear would benefit. Recently, people have not been happy with the political climate in this country and can’t even trust the news. People rely on sports to make sense of their lives, to have something faith in a team or person. But ever since deflategate people can’t even trust sports anymore. Thanks Tom Brady.

Companies that specialize in athletic equipment need to show its customers that all their products meet a high standard of quality. Wilson can make a commercial where it shows its customers exactly how much air its balls would need to play a quality game of football. It’s science. For the perfect aerodynamics, a football must maintain a specific amount of air.

Ultimately, the advertisement would feature a “sports scientist” who will test how much air is needed for the perfect ball. The first ball inflated can be too soft, the second ball inflated would pop and the third ball would be just right. Because that’s all people want. Not too soft that it’s unfair to play, not too hard that it will pop like a balloon but filled up just right, exactly like Goldilocks and the three bears except for muscular adults.

 

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Gyms Are Overrated; Run Outside Instead Of Getting A Trainer

In 2014 50 million Americans joined gyms but we’re still an obese nation. What if there was something else we could do than just go to a fitness center.

If a felon can get jacked from doing push-ups in his cell all day, you don’t need to pay hundreds of dollars for a trainer to tell you you’re great. Take a look at this video which analyzes five workout products for your home. Do you see how ridiculous this looks? If you want abs do crunches, if you want a butt go running and do squats. Watch any movie about barbarians from 2000 years ago, they’re all jacked! This just goes to show that even the earliest humans knew how to chisel their body without machines.

A gym goer doing a Lat pull-down.
There’s always that one gym head who needs to use every piece of the gym.

Under Armour, Nike, Adidas, even you Reebok, need to get people to start working out like in the good old days. This will be the ideal commercial. Why stay inside a gross sweaty gym, when you can wear some dope athletic gear and go punch some meat in a butcher shop! Need tighter abs? Get a soccer player to kick you in the abs while wearing Nike’s 2017 line of soccer cleats! Don’t pay 300 dollars to use the equinox pool with 10 other old people, put on Speedos top of the line bathing suit, jump into the east river and swim along the Manhattan coast.

John Turturro punching a cow
How Middle Easterners train, according to Adam Sandler Movies.

If athletic apparel companies want more people to buy their goods, the companies need consumers to know that their clothing and equipment can withstand anything, not just a few weights and benches. Legend has it that Vince Lombardi, the great head coach of the Green Bay Packers, said that he never lifted weights but got all his muscle from throwing beef into loading trucks.

Maybe that’s what we need now-a-days, some of that old school spark. Today, Americans need all these gizmos and gadgets to work because otherwise we wouldn’t be “properly utilizing our muscle groups properly which can lead to atrophy.” Now if you don’t know what that sentence means, you’re not alone. It’s not hard to stay healthy and we shouldn’t let large gyms dictate how we train and what it considered effective. Realistically, all humans need is a pair of sneakers, a camel-back and an open field because like I said before, if a murderer can get jacked in jail, you shouldn’t need a gym to do less work.

 

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Coyote Peterson: The Next Crocodile Hunter and What That Entails

Coyote Peterson holding up two Green Frogs

Coyote Peterson is a Crocodile Hunter-esque YouTube sensation, who’s dangerous animal videos constantly put in him dangers way. It’s always exciting to see what he will do next.

If you spend your entire life messing with animals eventually one of them will get pissed. That’s how the Crocodile Hunter, Steve Irwin, died and it will probably happen again if his 13-year-old son, Crocodile Hunter Jr. doesn’t check himself.

Peterson makes Conan hold a giant slug
Coyote Peterson hanging out with Conan.

“But he’s only 13, how could you say that?” That’s true but YouTube star and animal expert Coyote Peterson is 36, he should know better. In this linked video, Peterson has the brilliant idea of screwing around with a Black Widow spider. It’s okay though, he waited the appropriate number of days after the spider ate her husband to call.

Pay some attention to this, Petco. You too, PetSmart, Pet Supermarket and Pet Planet. Every animal personality on social media and television are seemingly fearless. Even Indiana Jones was scared of snakes. They will put themselves in harm’s way to interact with these animals.

Pee-wee Herman holding 12 snakes on a plane
Haha-hmhm Pee-wee’s getting gifts for his friend.

It’s amazing but it would nice to see a horrible disaster occur every now and then. Just for excitement. The person wouldn’t even have to get hurt but it’d be funny to see them run away from a squirrel.

Indiana Jones scared of a snake
“Dammit Pee-wee, I thought I told you I don’t want any snakes!”

Realistically, “The Crocodile Hater” would be a smart concept to produce for promoting pet and general animal products. An overly confident and zealous host would sneak up behind random animals in the park; birds, dogs, horses, and squirrels. Yet, once the animals take notice and react, the host becomes scared and runs away in a panic.

Alternatively, the same host could “get in a cage” with “dangerous” dogs and fight them. He would really be stepping into a small pen with 3 puppies. The host would freak out and start running away from the dogs, getting caught in the corner and eventually trying to jump out of the play pen.

Americans love the fearless, they are heroes to us. But nothing beats everything going horribly wrong. If you still don’t believe me after everything in this article, let me leave you with one question. How good would the movie “Titanic” have been if the boat never sank?

 

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How An Oil Change Can Save Your Life.

Baby Playing On Tire

Millions of Americans no longer maintain basic skills people used to need only 20 years ago. Technology has made self-sufficiency an antiquated way of life.

Dog standing in front of a popped hood
This dog has already done more than what most people know to do.

30 years ago, if you didn’t know how a car engine worked or at least how to change a tire you were a bigger pushover than a bobo doll. Now-a-days, millennials can’t tell the difference between a carburetor and a hole in the ground. I blame liberal arts.

Regardless of who’s to blame (liberal arts) it doesn’t take an entire pit crew to teach someone how to change the oil in a car. It only needs a four-year-old girl as seen in this linked Youtube video. According to her: drain the oil from under the car, unscrew the oil filter on the top of your engine and empty it, replace the filter, replace the oil drain plug, and finish the process by pouring in fresh oil. IT’S NOT THAT HARD PEOPLE! Next time you go to school try learning that from your human sexuality professor.

Fortunately, Skitish Media could transform this video into quality branded content for companies such as AAA or AAMCO. Picture a competition. Two cars next to each other, both requiring an oil change. A race to see who can finish the oil change first, between a 10 year-old-kid and a 30-year-old adult. Realistically, the advertisement would end with the child cleaning their hands off on a towel and the adult crying in the driver’s seat calling AAA for assistance.

Mechanic fixing a car.
This is the only way to fix a car engine

Thank the lord that millions of Americans have stopped learning necessary skills to be self-sufficient, right? I mean, how else was AAA planning on being successful if it couldn’t rely on the mass population of Americans not knowing how a car worked?

You can’t hitch hike because no one will stop for you and if you have your partner, friend or judgmental parent in the car, no one can save you from the embarrassing, pride shattering catastrophe that will occur from simply not knowing how to conduct an oil change. No one is telling you to learn pre-industrial techniques for farming and self-sustenance but if your phone is dead and you’re stuck on the highway, pray you’ve watched enough Fast and Furious movies to know about cars so you can figure out how to do an oil change yourself.

 

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Always Be Prepared To Crack Open A Cold One With The Boys

A Meme about cracking open a cold one

In recent months, the phrases “Cracking open a cold one with the boys,” and “Saturday is for the boys” have been celebrating the start of the 2017 summer.

Saturday is for the boys, cracking open a cold one with the boys, there’s no better time for America to make everything about the boys than gay pride month, don’t you think? But all jokes aside, have you ever actually cracked open a cold one with the boys? If you haven’t, let me walk you through the beauty that is cracking a cold one.

A meme about Cracking open a cold one on jeopardy
Alex Trebek asking a question on Jeopardy about what day is for the boys

First you open your fridge and rip open your 12-pack because anything less would be for feckless losers and its scientifically impossible to crack open a cold one if you’re a feckless loser. You reach into the box and pull out the first can. You feel the cold rushing from the can into your fingers, throughout your body and during a full moon you can even see the cold on your breath. Then you toss it, because handing it is a sign of weakness.

“But to whom should I toss it to first?” Give the first one to your boy that knows all your secrets, don’t let him feel left out. Then the boy who can ruin your chances with the girl you like. Finally, the boy you are most scared of and after that, who really cares you covered all your bases. And then the snap. The simultaneous opening of the beers and the smooth cold feeling of the alcohol sliding down your throat; perfection that can only be described as Beyoncé’s voice running through the field in the opening scene of “The Sound of Music.”

Steve Austin, Hulk Hogan, and The Rock drinking some beers.
Three of the greats cracking open a couple of cold ones in the ring.

But if you’re addicted to cracking open a cold one with your boys, you can’t constantly be running to the fridge. It wastes time, releases cold refrigerator air which your other beers need to survive and most importantly if there is an impromptu cracking open of a cold one, you won’t be prepared. Which is exactly why a beer belt would come in handy. Every college student, every frat bro, every beer lover with a group of boys between four and infinity needs to keep a beer on hand. You don’t want to be the only boy without a beer. Don’t leave yourself out of the celebration because cracking open a cold one with the boys can happen at any time, at any place, on any day.

 

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What is Branded Entertainment?

Every year, millions of people pay premium prices to avoid enduring the boring, uninteresting commercials that pop up in between songs, YouTube clips and other entertainment outlets. Because viewers prefer to skip ads and promotions, Branded Entertainment is geared towards creating fun, comedy driven and eye-catching content which subtly incorporate the brand or advertisement.

Unlike product integration, which places the good or service within the sketch or show, for instance 30 Rock would mention Snapple in its episodes, Branded-Entertainment rarely, if ever, mentions the actual product. Typically, the product is used to create a concept for a commercial or sketch which intelligently promotes the good without making it the centerpiece.

Ultimately, branded entertainment is a replacement for typical dull commercials which throw the sponsored product in your face, in exchange for short sketches, Gifs or WebMs that social media users would much rather watch.

 

 

Neil deGrasse Tyson Won A Science Award. Who Could Have Seen That One Coming

Bill and Neil looking cool, doing science

Neil deGrasse Tyson won the Steven Hawking Award for Science Communication. He is the first American scientist to ever win the award.

On June 6, Neil deGrasse Tyson became the first American scientist to win the Stephen Hawking Medal for Science Communication. Well isn’t this just great. A senior citizen giving a space nerd an award. When will real Americans get science awards like Sheldon Cooper or Dr. Oz. I’m disgusted by this inner circle of scientists who insist that climate change is an “eminent threat.”

Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson and Beaker
some of the worlds greatest scientists

Mainstream media is feeding us lies about how hard science is but the homeless man on the fourth cart of the 6-train told me, “ice cream is cold, so climate change can’t exist!” How can we trust scientists who make ridiculous claims when we have fool-proof logic like that? According to Newsweek, Stephen Hawking hand picks the award winners, personally. Come on fake news, can’t you make your lies even a little better? How can Professor Hawking pick any of the award winners when his ALS (Always Lying Science) won’t even let him move his hands?

In the past, they gave this award to people like Hans Zimmer, a German composer who scored the movie “Interstellar,” Marc Levinson, the director of Particle Fever, and a Jean-Michel Jarre, an electro-music composer, inspired by space technology.

Professor Hawking in a zero gravity chamber
Steven Hawking having the time of his life

This award was given to a composer, a director, and a French guy, so why is an actual astrophysicist and director of the Hayden Planetarium also getting it?Listen to me, people. This award is given to left-wing liberals who like to pat themselves on the back and bring in a ruggedly handsome scientist just to legitimize the whole thing.

Neil Tyson thinks that if we don’t change the way we live today, then in 500 years either we will have to move into the ground or build skyscrapers to make room for more people. Come on super scientist, don’t pretend like that even matters. In 500 years robots will take over this world and a few good Americans will spread our democracy and Christian values throughout the galaxy. Because if Neil Degrasse Tyson is right and we screwed up this earth, well who cares because in the end we’re all dead anyways. But unlike most of you I’m going to heaven, so suck it.

 

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Kesha, Stop Trying To Hug Old People. It’s Weird.

Seinfeld denies Kesha and imposing hug

Kesha asks Jerry Seinfeld for a hug, assuming he will be nice and give her one. Unfortunately he doesn’t, insisting that he didn’t know who she was.

Quick recap. Kesha, starstruck by comedy royalty, runs up to Jerry Seinfeld mid-interview and begged him for a hug. A reluctant Seinfeld feverishly refused until the Tik-Tok singer (what recent songs has she had?) walked away embarrassed.

After the whole Kesha debacle, doesn’t Jerry Seinfeld seem like the perfect investor for Shark Tank? He writes one show and is now worth more money than four of the sharks, combined. With the added bonus of the frugal, constantly finding problems in everything, questioning every decision any person makes personality, Seinfeld would be an investing pro. Plus, how could you possibly walk off that show upset when Jerry Seinfeld says no to you?

Jerry and Hot Head Shark Tank investor, Mark Cuban, talking about how many Yachts they own.

If it were me, I would purposely pitch the shittiest idea I can think of, just so I can have Seinfeld berate me like a Christian girl dating a Jewish mother’s son. It would probably be shampoo conditioner for the follicle impaired, the pitch line would be “it’s like shampoo but for bald people.”

(Sidebar. Hey Jerry, is everything okay? It’s been over 30 years and I’m legitimately worried that if you keep complaining about everything the doctor will find an ulcer in your stomach. Maybe take some baby aspirin, drink a bottle of wine before bed, maybe eat some chicken at Popeye’s. We worry about you, big guy).

Jerry is Just shocked! Is there no decency anymore

Kesha should be honored. Realistically, getting to live out 10 seconds of a Seinfeld episode is a way better moment to have than an actual hug. I mean, Kesha must have gotten at least 20 calls and 50 texts, from her family alone, just to talk about what that moment. By contrast, if she hugged Jerry, Kesha would be calling her mom to brag only to hear “great, now when are you changing your hair color back to normal?”

And by the way, Kesha, if you’re reading this, Jerry Seinfeld is 60 years old. “Seinfeld” first aired when you were two, he was retired and gone from television even before you wrote your first song. So, the next time you want to run up and get a hug from an elderly man who’s hey-day was the 90s, ask yourself one question, “If a crazy old man ran up to me with pink colored hair and a weird outfit, would I hug him?” If the answer is yes, you might have some soul searching to do.

 

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