In recent months, the phrases “Cracking open a cold one with the boys,” and “Saturday is for the boys” have been celebrating the start of the 2017 summer.
Saturday is for the boys, cracking open a cold one with the boys, there’s no better time for America to make everything about the boys than gay pride month, don’t you think? But all jokes aside, have you ever actually cracked open a cold one with the boys? If you haven’t, let me walk you through the beauty that is cracking a cold one.
First you open your fridge and rip open your 12-pack because anything less would be for feckless losers and its scientifically impossible to crack open a cold one if you’re a feckless loser. You reach into the box and pull out the first can. You feel the cold rushing from the can into your fingers, throughout your body and during a full moon you can even see the cold on your breath. Then you toss it, because handing it is a sign of weakness.
“But to whom should I toss it to first?” Give the first one to your boy that knows all your secrets, don’t let him feel left out. Then the boy who can ruin your chances with the girl you like. Finally, the boy you are most scared of and after that, who really cares you covered all your bases. And then the snap. The simultaneous opening of the beers and the smooth cold feeling of the alcohol sliding down your throat; perfection that can only be described as Beyoncé’s voice running through the field in the opening scene of “The Sound of Music.”
But if you’re addicted to cracking open a cold one with your boys, you can’t constantly be running to the fridge. It wastes time, releases cold refrigerator air which your other beers need to survive and most importantly if there is an impromptu cracking open of a cold one, you won’t be prepared. Which is exactly why a beer belt would come in handy. Every college student, every frat bro, every beer lover with a group of boys between four and infinity needs to keep a beer on hand. You don’t want to be the only boy without a beer. Don’t leave yourself out of the celebration because cracking open a cold one with the boys can happen at any time, at any place, on any day.
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