Are you done dancing on the ashes of 2018 yet? Good, so am I. Are you lying under your
comfiest blanket shaking whilst in the fetal position at the prospect of not accomplishing another
New Year’s resolution; and thus ensuring not living your best life? Well, I’m not quite there yet. I
mean to inflict no pressure (obvi), but if you want some helpful tips read on…
1. Ditch Everyone
This might seem a tad dramatic, but living a solitary life means no one standing in your way,
ever. Screw anyone who argues that you’re being dramatic, they’re mere peasants standing in
the way of your full potential! Let’s say your New Year’s resolution is about toning up, well if
you’re going to your best friend Vicky’s birthday brunch, that means you’re not at the gym lifting
weights as you should be. Sorry, mom, dad, and all the people I hold dear in the world, being
around you just means I’m spending less time achieving a better new year. It’s a cold, cruel
world and everyone in your life is really just an obstacle. Also, while leaving all of your
friendships for your blind ambition you get to cut out that one (or three) toxic friendship(s) in
your life. BONUS!
2. Hang some DIY Motivational Posters…
It’s time to get excited, cause a new year means a new you. You don’t want to forget about your
goals, do you? Now that you’ve gotten rid of everyone in your life, there’s no one to hold you
accountable to your resolution except yourself. So who better than to create your own
motivational posters than yourself, and you’ll have loads of spare time to make them now. You
might be feeling a bit dreary now that you’ve cut everyone off. Big whoop. Always remember
you're more important than anyone else. In fact, you should write that on one of the posters. It’ll
just be a healthy reminder that you are all alone in the world, but only because you matter more
than anyone else. People might call you selfish, who knows maybe they’re right. What really
matters is that you meet your big goal for 2019. We don’t want a repeat of last year, am I right?
No, seriously am I?
3. Cry…a lot.
This step is pretty self-explanatory. Cry your eyeballs out to the point where you’ve permanently
impacted your capacity to see. Unless you absolutely need your vision to complete your
resolution, perhaps, give a cathartic, blood-curdling scream into a pillow. You’re reaching your
goals and biggest dreams! Which I have found out, can be slightly intense. These measures are
merely done to release some of the tension. It’s not like you have any friends or family to turn to
anymore. So you didn’t realize human pain could get this bad and it feels like your heart is
missing? We. Do. Not. Need. The. Same. Old. Crap. From. Last. Year. But no pressure, really.
4. Get PUMPED!
You’re alone, you’re crying (or possibly screaming into a pillow), and you have your DIY
motivational posters. You must be used to your new 2019 reality by now! It’s time to really amp
things up and be completely dedicated to the 2019 task! With these simple life-altering steps I
believe you can make your dreams come true. These past few days have been a whirlwind, but
I know the rest of 2019 will shine more brightly as I make my way to my goal. If you follow these
steps, it will surely be the same for you. You will attain happiness. Ha! Ha! Also, I’ve realized it’s
important to laugh whenever I possibly can (even if there is no obvious reason). That’s my last
nugget of wisdom.
Is your New Year’s Resolution to laugh more? We got you covered.